Making A Move Easier For Kids
How to Make a Major Move Less Traumatic for Children
Moving from one house to another is seldom easy and is never fun for anyone, and, if parents fail to plan carefully, a move can be needlessly traumatic for children. On the other hand, if parents deal with their children's concerns and needs thoughtfully, much of that distress and discomfort can be avoided.
Children see moving differently than their parents do and they benefit much less from the lifestyle change, or so it seems at the time. Most often, a change in the house or community heralds an important step forward for the adult members of the family.
The family moves because Daddy or Mommy has a great new job, or a promotion as reward for years of hard work. They move because financial success has allowed the purchase of a bigger and nicer house in a more costly neighbourhood. They move because they can finally afford private bedrooms for each child, or perhaps a pool in the back yard.
In the 1990s mobile and hard-striving people typically live in a house for about four to seven years and then move on as their careers or fortunes allow. That short time span is only a small percentage of the life-to-date for a 30- or 40-year-old, but the same four years is half the life time of an eight year old, and it includes almost all the years he or she can remember.
To a parent, the house may simply be the place they have lived recently. They think of it as a way station on the road of life. To kids, however, it may be the only home they have ever really known. This is their house, the place where they feel safe and comfortable and throughly at home.
A house is much more than a roof and walls to a child. It is the centre of his or her world. A move threatens to take that sphere away and to leave something totally strange in its place. The familiar friends, schools, shops, and theatres, the streets, trees and parks all will no longer exist for them. Everything soon will be strange; they will live in someone else's world.
The impact of a move on a typical child starts about the time he or she first hears that Daddy or Mommy has accepted a promotion, and often continues for about a year, until the new house becomes home and memories of previous place fade.
It's not usually necessary to announce this big change to children immediately, although they must hear about it from you before someone else breaks the news. Most teenagers see themselves as adult members of the family and will probably feel they've been left out if they don't hear everything from the first day, but it's probably not a good idea to tell toddlers and preschoolers until they have to know. There's no point in making them worry far in advance.
Sensitivity, planning ease trauma of moving
Be sure to announce the move in a totally positive way. You might say how proud you are that Daddy or Mommy's company has chosen them out of many other employees to manage a new office in, say, Ottawa or Calgary. Talk about what a beautiful city it is, how good the schools are and how nice the people are there.
Tell the truth, but in a very positive way: how nice the new house will be, with particular emphasis on those features that will be most important to your children.
If the new home is too far away to allow a visit by the entire family after it has been selected, show the children pictures of it from every angle. Videotape it, if you can. Emphasize the positive views and be sure to include pictures of each child's new room. Try to name the house with some romantic description like 'Oak Hill' for the big trees and the sloping lawn.
Sugar coating will help, but since children can quickly see the negative sides of most situations, every parent must plan to deal with their children's worries, fears and sorrows. The children will lose friends they may have known all their lives. They will leave behind their sports teams, their clubs and their dancing teachers. They will have to start over in a new place, making friends, becoming accepted and fitting into different groups.
Younger children need protection from fear of the unknown. Listen carefully to their concerns, and respond quickly to allay their apprehensions. It would be normal, for instance, for a young child to worry that his or her toy box and shelf of stuffed animals might be left behind. Discover those anxieties and allay them.
Probably the best tactic is to get the children involved in the process. Don't just promise to let them decorate their own rooms, act on it. For example, take them to the paint store and let them bring home colour swatches. Shop for bed spreads, towels and carpets.
They must leave old friends behind, so find ways to make that parting more pleasant. Plan a going away party and let them invite their own guests. Take pictures of everyone and make a photo album. If a child is old enough, send him or her out with a roll of film in the camera and an assignment to photograph the views they will want to remember.
Some relationships will be extremely difficult to break, and these will demand careful, thoughtful, personalized planning by both parents. How, for instance, do you move a 17-year-old 1,000 miles or even 30 miles from her steady boyfriend?
Expect that your children may be even more distressed after the move than they were before it. The new house will not be beautiful the night after the moving van leaves, or even for a few weeks after. The furniture won't fit the rooms. The curtains won't be up, and every spot on the floor will be covered with half-unpacked cartons. The children won't know anyone at school and, if you move during the summer, they may have little opportunity to meet anyone their own age.
You may be faced with many more problems in your new community than they will, but remember that you can handle them more easily than they can. They'll need your help, and you should plan to give them the support they need.
After the move, give each of them a long distance telephone call allowance so they can stay in touch with the people who matter the most to them. Buy a stack of postcards that show positive views of your new community, and encourage them to write good news messages to the friends and relatives left behind.
Make sure the children don't vegetate in front of the television. Get them outside, where neighbours pass by. Teach them to meet people and to make friends.
Encourage them to participate in as many school activities as they can handle. Get them on sports teams and into clubs. And remind them that their job is also to make grown-up friends for you. Tell them that every kid they bring home has parents who just might like to invite you to play golf on Saturday mornings or to go on a fishing trip Sunday afternoon.
If they'and you'aren't making new friends fast enough, throw a welcome-to-the-nieghbourhood party for yourselves and invite all the adults and children on the block.
If serious emotional or attitudinal problems arise, help is usually available and should be sought. Ask a teacher for help. Consider professional counseling. Don't let a serious problem slide. It could get worse.
Remember that the newness will wear off. New friends will become old friends and best friends. This new house may become the family homestead the grandchildren will visit every holiday season. There will be discomforts, but in the end, everything will work out fine.
